The Drug Bust Story
        by Jewel Kilcher

"I met Steve when I was a waitress in San Diego, and uh, we became friends and started writing songs together. And we went to Mexico once for a song writing trip and we got lost and I was like, 'Are we there yet?' *little kid voice* He's like, 'We're almost there,' and five hours later it's like,'Are we there yet?' 'No, we're not there yet.' Finally we saw a sign. We're on this dirt road in the middle of nowhere and there's coyote's and license plates of dead automobiles strung across the road - victims its claimed!
And uh, we see this sign that says "Rosalita's Deluxe Resort". So uh, we think our promised land is in sight. We get there and, at "Rosalita's Deluxe Resort" is closed. So we break in to this place, but Steve said it wasn't really like breaking in because  it wasn't that hard. (laughs) So it didn't really kind of count. So I didn't feel bad about it...we get in there and we wake up in the morning in a town that is absolutely deserted - there's no people and all there are are federalies, cops, walking around with guns in their pants and we're like,'What a very safe town! At Rosalita's Deluxe Resort!'(laughter)
So we ask these federalies if they know where we can go to see whale watching. And they're like, 'Sure, come with us!' And we're like, 'Okay, don't mind if we do!' So we get in this boat, it's a little open skip and there's about 6 of these federalies and me and Steve and I'm like, 'So hey! Why are you guys here anyways?' And they're like, 'Oh well we're here on a drug bust.' RIiiiiiGHT! *deep sarcastic tone* (laughs) 'So you evacuated the town because of the danger?' 'Ci!' *bobbing head* RIiiiiiiGHT! (laughs) 'Well, is it dangerous?'
And this guy lifts up his shirt very proudly and his Budda belly kinda pops out...~Attractive!~ *in a very sarcastic voice* (lots of laughter!) Even more attractive was the fact that he had 3 bullet holes...scars. And chicks might say to their boyfriend or their husband, *cutesy baby dumb blonde type voice* 'Tell me about where you got that scar, Johnny!....(cheering) No,no,no, no...it doesn't make you look bad, it makes you look .....MANly!' But it's not cause, like, we really think it makes the guy look manly, we just don't want the guy to get a complex cause we're sensitive that way (lots of cheering) But we expect a favor in return when we go, 'Does this make me look fat?' (laughing) It works both ways - I scratch your back, you scratch mine. But I have to admit, these three bullet holes weren't doin' it for me, I was like, 'Okay, put it away!' *quiet disgusted voice* 'Right now!' (laughter)
So we uh, are looking for whales, Steve and I, very naively. In this bay. And all of a sudden they start talking spanish very fast and I DO not speak spanish. And they point in the distance and there's a boat headed for shore going really fast with three guys going [Jewel imitates the guys by swinging her head quickly side to side as though looking both ways for somewhere to hide] (laughing) Except their hair wasn't blonde and long and so it didn't look quite that same. It was something like that. It was the approximate (something...she clears her throat) So! We assume these are the drug smugglers by the way the federalies are acting - they're very excited. And one has me stand up, I'm sitting on this bench, and I get off the bench...and they open it up...and I discover that this little bench very conveniently doubled as a storage unit for automatic weapons. *voice goes up at the end of weapons like a question almost or very matter-of-factly* And he offered me one. *same tone as weapons* (crowd chuckles then cheers) And I was like, 'No, gracias!' (pause to let audience laugh) 'I'll get us all killed!'
I did however tie a red bandana around my head and I'm like, (obnoxious guy in crowd yells "Rambo Jewel!" to which Jewel immediately replies "Cooooool Du-ude!" in a snarly sarcastic voice while giving a retarded looking face and a thumbs up sign. Then refers to the guy..) He was so proud he got the analogy..."RAMBO 2"...I got it! Did ya get it? I got it! That's what she was talking about with the red thing....*voice dies out* So ah, we speed to shore. I'm pretty scared *emphasis on the 'pr'* Steve and I, I'll take the liberty in saying that I think Steve was a little scared as well. (Steve nods his head) We're both standing there going, *raises hand up like asking a question or confessing something* 'Hostage'
But they over take these little drug smugglers, and they...wrestle them to the ground and they hand cuff 'em and Boy, as soon as they got handcuffed I started feeling just braver and braver! (laughter) I walked by one and went, 'Yeeaahh, ....See!' *mobster low whispy voice* 'That's right,.... en!' (chuckles) So they get a guy to tell them where the drugs are and me and Steve think we should just follow....while we're out and about (a few little giggles) so we walk around this corner and there's this large rock, and we move the rock out of the way and there's this large hole. And in the hole is about 1000....pounds of marijuana. (Audience cheers loudly).
So, Steve doesn't smoke pot, neither do I but...Steve is Catholic so he just kind of likes standing next to anything illegal. It like gives him his own special Catholic high. His eyes are like this...*imitates Steve by dropping jaw open and widening her eyes looking flabbergasted and taking quick shallow 'ho-ho. ho-ho' breaths* (audience laughs) Steve says, 'Eh, it's great fun, eh.' *in a sort of embarrassed higher pitched voice*
ALL of you...its.....(pause)........dangerous. *she says quickly* It's illegal in some countries actually *voice fading out* So Steve very generously offers to help carry the pot to the boat (laughter) *imitating Steve* 'No, no no...it's no problem!' *then proceeds to walk stage left while looking directly forward at the audience while holding a pretend big huge bag of pot over her right shoulder with a huge grin on her face!* They're carrying these big bags, like big potato bags, and uh, we get on the boat, and get the boat all loaded up and we head back for shore and we're thinking, 'What LUCK! is this, that this would happen on our 2 days off, ya know?' And these cops are like, 'Hey Jewel, well, you guys have been good luck, there's gonna be a party tonight cause we've been trying to catch these guys for so long, ya know...do you wanna come to our party?' And I'm like, 'I bet there's gonna be a party!' (laughs) 'I heard about Mexico...' *with renewed vigor in her voice and louder*
I'm thinking it's a set-up. I was thinking me and Steve are gonna get framed and half the pot is gonna go missing and, we're gonna end up in jail the rest of our lives and I'm like, 'No thank-you...we're actually... just gonna ....head out, check out of Rosalita's Deluxe Resort (laughter), cause we did check in legally.' (suspicious laughter) But Steve had to insist on helping Un-load the pot... (laughs)...good guy that he is, Doing his civic duty - Helping where help is needed. *up beat fun voice*
So we un-load the pot and the guy says, 'Jewel,uh, and Steve you've been, you know, Such help...why don't you take some?' (crowd loves this of course) Steve goes, 'OK!' *jewel says in quick, desasperated voice* 'Don't, doh, dah, doh,., Uuuuggghhhh!!' *like Homer Simpson sort of....only better!* His hands are shaking he's so like, *imitates Steve by shaking hands pretending to reach for some pot and flipping bottom lip in and out making a 'flplplplllp' noise*And this guy has this gun and he goes, 'Take more.' *Jewels face is like "you'd better not do this...mommy help!"* Steve's like, 'Alright, don't get pushy.' *she says in quiet inferior sounding voice* I'm like, 'Steve? *whining* Don't do this...what are you doing? We're gonna end up in jail!...This is where they, like, come out of the bushes and they grab us.' He's like, 'Jewel, this is a guy with a gun, with the Law, telling me - pft-insisting...saying 'please'....take pot...it's like having a nun give it to you! IT ISN'T ILLEGAL!' (crowd claps and cheers...) So he takes a pretty big handful and we gave it to the cook at Rosalita's Deluxe Resort...She's a 60 year old lady and she's like,*imitating spanish accented old woman with baby voice* 'No,no,no.....Oookaaay!' (laughter!) 'but only for my arthritis.' *sing-songy almost tones* And then I thought, 'Well this is a Kodak Moment! This is something you share with your friends and loved ones.' So we get a picture of me holding an AK47 and Steve has a kilo of pot at this point, and our arms are around the federalies going like...' *Puts her arms out around imaginary people posing in muscle man poses,...does about 4 different ones*YEH! *lets out a big breath*
So you're probably wondering what the point is here *she laughs at herself* Um, we did get a little bit of work done and we wrote a song on that trip and this is the song we wrote together...."

YOU WERE MEANT FOR ME